so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
