So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
