That's intense
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
