I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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