There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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