My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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