I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
