pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
