I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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