A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
