I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize