I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
