Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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