Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
sex in a hospital.. check
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
