Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
