last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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