A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
now i know why i became what i already was.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
