Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
