I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i will never coherently bang her
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
