I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Randomize
