All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize