I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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