The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
