How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
