Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
