You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
