Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
