Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
