halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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