I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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