uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
