Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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