I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
