its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
