Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
