i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
