i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
