dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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