You're my little dorito
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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