Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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