I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Will you blow on my dice?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
