We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
