So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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