WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
