Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
