if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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