whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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