Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize