Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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