Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
