I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
