Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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