nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
