One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
