Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
