I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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