saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
