I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
