you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
