i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
