Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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