I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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